Sunday, February 1, 2015

‪#‎FUA‬. I hate you Autism.

‪#‎FUA‬. I hate you Autism. I am glad for the growth you've brought me, and the chance to help others. But today in my family, I would just like you to go away.
This was one of the worst weeks I've ever had in the Land of Autism. I wish I could tell you about it. I miss sharing our adventures. But I can't yet.
That's probably good because there would be lots of curse words used, and I like to pretend online that I have tact.
Plus in a few months maybe this story will have some gloriously wonderful ending that I can be all sappy about,with a great meaningful quote at the end, you know? And ya'll will read it and say things like, "wow that's great! Go Hayden! Go mom! Yay team! You are so courageous! Way to fight through." Stuff like that. I like that stuff.
Right now the ending of my story is more like... "And so they all sat down in a big hefty pile of poop. It was truly a hot mess. The end." Not as flowery as I'd prefer.
...Not a literal pile of poop...Just to be clear. We're good on that front. Just a more figurative quagmire of crap. Emotional and terrifying. Involved and un-ending. Like that song American Pie. It just keeps going and you're like... Really? Why is this guy still singing? How do I get away from this noise?
But, alas, I cannot get away. This damn song (oops, tact, sorry) darn... song with the title "Autism" just keeps going. When you think it's going to end... New verse. A whole new kind of awful. You've never heard this one before! Wow! And you think to yourself ... How did I even get here? Do I have to stay? Does this song ever get better?
Maybe the trick is to start singing your own song over the top. Loudly. Start drowning the other one out until you can't hear it any more. If you can't hear it, you've won, right? If you make your own song, the other no longer matters.
This week, we have been singing at the top of our lungs. I don't like the verse Autism gave us so I'm making a new one. Hopefully it has a good ending. I'll enjoy telling you about it later.
And I hope later comes sooner than, well, later.
Hugs to my autism and special needs families out there. I get it.

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